Uncomfortable is as Uncomfortable does...

It's taken me a while to figure out what I wanted to write about next. I've found through the process of blogging that I don't want to use it to talk about my daily life, although I do plan to give a run down of a typical "day in the life." Instead, I want to use the blog as a journal or record of the things God is teaching me through this process. To me, this seems like the most fruitful way to use the blog.

There's been so much going on in me lately, and while I say "so much," it's been difficult to put everything into words. My beau asked me the other night what God has been speaking to me, and I had to pause and think. I had to think because I feel as though there's something so deep that is being revealed to me and I can only see the tip of it. However, I'll do my best to explain what I have been able to put my finger on.

During the Fall, we had an influx of youth from a local orphanage to our Day Center for dental care. These youth, while the same age of many of the others we serve, are even more so developmentally, socially, "you name it" delayed. It's been a real blessing to see what it's like for new youth to experience God's presence at the Day Center. However, at the same time it's been uncomfortable. This feeling of uncomfortableness has done nothing but grow since I've started to get to know these orphans a little better. I didn't even know what the uncomfortableness was connected to. This was such a surprise to me. I mean, I have a heart for this ministry...that's why I'm here. But now there's an uncomfortableness.

I took this to the Lord in prayer and asked Him what was going on. I didn't receive an answer right away, but instead experienced something else strange.

One night, I went to the grocery store like I always do. I usually wait until the last minute when I'm out of everything, so I have no choice but to go to the store (it's not really my favorite thing in the world to do.) I was halfway through my shopping experience, when I noticed everyone's eyes on my cart. This wouldn't be unusual, as it's normal in Romania for people to stare. But, this was different. This time it made me feel uncomfortable in a different way. I knew that they weren't looking at me, but instead HOW MUCH and WHAT I was able to purchase. Even as a missionary, living off the least that I possibly can each month, my salary is three times more than the average Romanian wage. People here cannot feed their families the basic things needed for nutrition. Instead, they live off of bread and potatoes. At that moment in the store, my heart was pierced for the Romanian people. I had always known in my head that Americans have so much more, and I had so much more, but at this moment, it hit my heart. I wanted to leave the store immediately. I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling. After all, it was so uncomfortable.

After reflecting on both of these situations, and asking the Lord what is happening, I felt the Holy Spirit impress on my heart that these feelings of uncomfortableness aren't bad. In fact, there exactly what the Lord wants me to feel. For all of us that follow Jesus, we have a responsibility to the same. We SHOULD be uncomfortable. After all, Jesus said whoever wants to gain his life, will lose it...that we should leave our father and mother, take up our cross, and follow him. That can't be comfortable.

So what do I make of the new feelings? What do I do with them? I press in. I continue to take them to the Lord, and I don't shut them out. If I want to know Jesus...if I want to know the Father...if I want to be led by the Holy Spirit, I have to allow God to take me to the tough places. I have to let Him change me in the ways that HE sees fit, and not what makes me most comfortable.

You see, it's uncomfortable to feel the grief and extreme love of God. I know that I haven't even come close to feeling what He feels, but instead I have been given just a glimpse. However, I'm not to shy away from it, I'm to continue to press in. I MUST let the youth from the orphanage into my heart. I MUST let the dire situation of Romania into my heart...HOW ELSE WILL GOD CHANGE ME? How else will they know of God's great love for them if I don't experience it and show it to them? This must be the road that I take, for I don't desire to be the same. But with that desire is an understanding that God will take me to the difficult places, and continue to bare His heart in mine...however uncomfortable that may be.

A Look Back...

This year has held many firsts for me. While uploading pictures on my new digital photo frame, I was reminded of some of the funny and not so funny memories. So, naturally, I'd like to share them with the rest of the world. Cause you know, no matter what you think...NOTHING on the internet is private.

Jan-May: First time I've never had a permanent home and bounced around like a ping-pong to the homes of my many friends. Thank you to the Mitchells, Youngs, Gormans, Mom, Grandmother, Dad, Carlsons and anyone else who had the pleasure of hosting me during that time. Ha!

Jan: First time I've ever donned a hospital gown for longer than that uncomfortable visit at the doctor's office. Apparently, stomach viruses are NOT to be messed with.

Who says you can't have a little fun in the ER?

February: First road trip across the mid-west with a brief stop in St. Louis, Missouri for a tour of the Arch.

(Pictures from left to right: outside the arch, the "pod" we rode to the top in, a plane's eye view of St. Louis)

April: First trip to Seattle and British Columbia. Since I've always wanted to visit these places, it was truly one of my favorite "firsts" of this year.

May: One of the most obvious firsts is the first time living in another country as I moved to Romania on May 15, 2010. I waited over 10 years for this moment and failed to capture any photos to commemorate this experience. However, there were many tears instead.

June: First time experiencing summer camps with JPWM (Joshua Project World Ministries) as staff. Very different than the 10 day experiences I've had in the past. Favorite Fun Moment: The Water Fight!

Instigating parties shall not be named...

July: This was the first, but not the last time that I got to see Eastern European handiwork at it's finest. Not making fun, but truly astonished at how people can make whatever they want if they put their minds to it. Case in point: The Boat House.

The conversation pretty much went like this while looking out at the Danube one summer evening:

Andy M: Say, what's that out in the water?
Me: Not sure, but it kinda looks like a house.
Andy M: Looks like a plank with a house and tree.
Me: Hmm, let me see with the super zoom on my camera.

Images from Camera

Me (laughing hysterically:) Dear gracious,
that's exactly what it is...you just forgot
the bicycles and nearly naked dude with girlfriend.

August: First birthday in a foreign country...and by foreign and country...and I mean anything outside of Texas :-) Somehow failed to capture images of this day as well, however, I do have the bill from the birthday dinner I paid for. Yes, that's right. In Romania, you pay for your own birthday party. You do get some pretty SWEET gifts from those you invite, though.

Divide that by 3 and it's not so bad for 5 adults.

September: First trip to Odessa, Ukraine to visit a friend and met some new ones.

Need to add a few notes about these pictures. The first on the top row is a random statue at the large pier in Odessa. It's a random muscled up baby in a giant palm. A little disturbing, don't ya think? The second is a picture of some of my new Ukrainian friends. These ladies were so welcoming that is makes me want to go back just to see them! The middle is a nighttime view of the "famous" street in Odessa. I'd attempt to spell it, but uh...I can't. It was nice to stroll the street with the hundreds of other people...haha. The pictures on the bottom row were of sailboats on the black sea. It was only after I was sitting there for a while that I noticed the misspelling of the boat in the first picture. Cracked me up. Unless, however, I'm wrong and don't know how to spell what I thought is the name, "Sinbad."

October: Witnessed another great example of Romanian ingenuity. While on the way to Timisoara with Andy & the kids, I saw a most interesting site.

This was the best shot I could get of him, so in case you can't see what I did on that day I'll describe it for you. This would be a picture of a man on a scooter, with a chainsaw strapped to the back. If that wasn't enough, it's raining, making the journey quite perilous with the scooter alone, not to mention the chainsaw. However, he did at least try to protect himself as he is wearing a garbage bag for a rain jacket and the foamy INSIDE of a bicycle helmet on his head :-) Sheer genius I tell you. It provided quite a good laugh on this dreary day.

I'd like to say this was the last time I saw someone carrying their chainsaw on the back of a scooter, but that would be a lie.

November: First black eye. You probably thought I was going to say something about Thanksgiving, huh? Nope. The black eye takes the cake. I caught a virus days prior to Thanksgiving which resulted in the following chain of events: Virus caught = severe badness = dehydration = loss of consciousness = face plant on the floor = black eye, possible cracked cheek bone, and two very sore teeth.

And of course, I took pictures... the ones directly following the fall were kinda brutal looking so I thought I'd just post the aftermath. This one was the weirdest, so I thought it'd do.

Taken a couple of days after the fall, it's a shame I didn't take one a few days later, it was greenish-blue by then!

December: There are a couple of firsts in this month. My first time living in a country where snow is the norm, and my first Christmas in a foreign country. By "foreign" and "country" I mean, anything outside the U.S.

(Pictures from left to right: View from the day center of the Resita hillside, my discipleship group and me, lights in Timisoara square)

After such an exciting year, I'm not sure how 2011 will be able to top it. One thing I am sure of, the Lord is always full of surprises. I look forward to this next year with the King that is above all kings, and mostly look forward to the surprises that are in store.

May 2011 bring you peace, joy, and most of all, fulfillment through salvation in Jesus Christ.

Asian Faces On My Wall...

A little deviation from the usual.

I realized after looking at a recent purchase of photo frames that I failed to post updated pics of my newly painted apartment. These photo frames hang, mockingly, as I do not have any pictures to put in them. Instead of my adorable, bright-eyed nieces and nephews, I'm stuck with Asian children I do not know glaring back at me. Okay, so maybe they're smiling back at me. You get the point, though. Hopefully, we'll receive the next shipment from the US soon and I will be able to hang the pictures sent by my sweet sister-in-law while wearing the new fuzzy robe purchased by my mom. Ahh, the little tidbits of home, so sweet :-)

First up...the bedroom. You can't really see the faint blue color I put on the walls, but it is definitely a cool addition to what has become my "escape." The paint color, and the fact that I have a serta mattress topper really helps make this a serene area I love:-)


Before paint, rug, and swanky light...and after.

Next, my faux hallway (really just the area in between my bathroom, bedroom, and front door.)



Say it with me, "ahhhh." I doubt I'm the only one that's thankful the green is gone :-) Not to forget I got rid of the "energy saver" bulb which cast a yellow/green hue.

And lastly, the kitchen. I still have some work to do here, but it's so much better with that "lovely" pistachio color. Blech....


Before the paint job that took me two hours each coat...(just the kitchen took that long and there were 3 coats!)

Another area of my apartment (after the door, across from the couch and smashed up against the fridge) that make it feel cozy.

Like I said, still have work to do, but after 2-3 months of trying to put the apartment together I took a break. Frankly, I just got tired of buying stuff. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from the pictures coming my way...can you tell I'm excited about pictures of family and friends?

Any ideas are welcome, however, that doesn't mean what I need for those ideas are actually available here. It's okay, because it teaches me to be content. So until then, I'll just smile back at the Asian faces on my wall....

Mock No More...

I've made my fair share of mistakes. In fact, I've been greedy with them. By the sheer number it seems I've not only made my own but have tried to make everyone else's mistakes too. The reason I'm so sure of this? Well, that's because in the last two weeks I've been confronted with what feels like, every single one of them.

Some are funny. Some were indiscretions of an insecure youth...and some, well, they're so ugly that I shutter when I think of them. The reminder of these mistakes attempts to mock the character I have been given by God. However, I was reminded the other day by the Lord that God cannot be mocked. In fact, the only reason why the enemy tries this tactic is because he knows the end game. Revelation 19 gives us a picture of the victorious coming of Christ. The day of his redemption as the Bible words it. It reads,

"Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rode of iron. he will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords."

It is on this day, when Christ returns in all his glory, that the darkness of this world, and the lord of it will be destroyed. How I long for that day. Until then, the battle continues. The fight to remind myself and to bathe myself in the truth of God's word continues.

This morning I happened upon a song that ministered these very truths to my heart. Not only that the victorious day of which I wait is coming, but also the truths upon which I need to fix my mind. the song comes from the prayer room at International House of Prayer. (See the link to learn more.) The woman singing this song is singing the words the Lord brings to her heart. It may sound like hocus pocus. But indeed, those who know Christ, know his voice and can hear it. I pray this song blesses you as it did me.

A few of my favorite things...

A few things I love about living in Romania. Some are serious "loves" and others are just funny mishaps.

1) Just because an item is pictured a certain way on the box, it does not mean it will look like that on the inside.
*When purchasing, let's say...a floating shelf for your kitchen wall that you found for a really great deal at your local grocery store, do not assume that because it shows 3 shelves in the picture, there will be 3 shelves in the box. In fact, expect one, very large shelf that neither looks good or goes with the decor in your kitchen.

2) Always check your stuff.
*After making sure that what you are going to purchase is actually indeed what you want to purchase (see #1), make sure that all the parts for said purchase are included in the box. Often times, they are magically "missing" from the box. Once I purchased a paper lamp that was missing the metal rods used to hold it up. Can't really have a lamp without the support for the shade, now can I?

3) It's okay to consume massive amounts of food...really, it's good for you!
*Seriously...what is up with the preservative pumped, chemical laden, poor quality of American food? Pretty much everything I've eaten in this country is better than the American counter-part. Even the Romanian version of Pizza Hut kicks some serious butt. And to thank me, my body is about 15 lbs lighter...or 6.8 kg. (And NO...it has nothing to do with walking more. We have cars.)

4) Always lock your door.
*Do this ESPECIALLY if your apartment once was a political office, or else the next time you step of the shower might prove to be a little embarrassing for your would-be supporters.

5) Double check the translation, or better yet, the translator.
*When wanting to say, "God Bless You" in Romanian, it's best to go with your instinct and not repeat the said phrase in another language. Be cautious, especially when those around you are snickering in amusement or else you might end up saying, "God Electrocute You."

6) If you think you're being too loud, everyone else probably agrees with you.
*In case you've never traveled outside of the United States...Americans in general, talk WAY louder than everyone else. It's actually quite embarrassing. EEK!

7) Coffee, or cafea, actually does the job it's supposed to and wakes me up in the morning!
*Side note: I've never had a headache like the one I had the morning I went without a cup of coffee. To quote a friend: one Romanian coffee is like 7 American coffees. I'm starting to believe her!

8) Watch where you step.
*While you may enjoy walking in the square to admire the architecture, watch where you step, or else you may run into some "good luck" (a.k.a. dog poop) or break your ankle. Neither of which I've experienced, Praise God!

9) If you see something you want, you better buy it.
*The old saying, "here today, gone tomorrow," is definitely at work here in Romania.

10) Don't take yourself so seriously.
*It's okay to laugh at yourself...and frequently if you must. Chances are, those that are watching in confusion while you make an idiot of yourself are probably just thinking, "there goes that crazy American." And in this case, they're probably right :-)

Miss Independent...

Alright...I'm writing this update because:
A) It's been a while since I wrote one and
B) it was pointed out by my friend I call, "King Meh!," that I haven't updated it in quite a while. In fact, I think her words were, "why don't you ever update your blog anymore?" Okay, KK...point taken.

All has been quiet on the eastern front for the last two months. We've had a break at the Day Center for August and September. August is vacation month for Europe, so a lot of people take holiday during that time. Wait a sec? Did I just say, "holiday" like a Brit? Something's rotten in Denmark. As if it's not enough that EVERYTHING about me is changing...even my speech has to change. In fact, I spend so much time hearing or even speaking to people in broken English when I can't get my point across in Romanian, that's it's really starting to affect my grammar. I mean, crazy things like adding an apostrophe "s" to words instead of just making them plural. And I spent 3 years in the assessment world? Shameful, I tell you....shameful!

However, there is one area in which I'm glad I'm changing. You see, I've always been quite an independent person. (Here's where my friends interject with sarcasm, "no, really?!") Yes, really. As if being born with an independent trait wasn't enough, stubbornness was added to the mix. And in what seems like God's attempt to add a little humor to the situation, my last name is Williams, which I just recently found out means, "strong-willed, warrior." Sheesh, can I get an "Amen?"

It is in the area of independence that there has been some change. I've been fiercely independent from the time I was a child. A picture from my 4 year-old birthday displays evidence of this. Apparently, I insisted upon fixing my own hair and ended up with a part down the middle and two clips on either side of it...very, very close together. I'm sure my mother is looking forward to the day when I have children and see this same trait reflected in them. Lord, help me!

In some ways, I'm thankful for this independence as it has enabled me to do a great many things without hesitating. However, in my latest adventure, it is nothing but a hindrance. It took listening to the testimony of a pastor and his wife from California for the Lord to get this point across. The wife explained how she was an extremely independent person who liked the fact that she was independent. When she got married, she was excited about the prospect of her and her husband, striking out on their own and forming their own little family. However, her husband came from very close family who were always sharing with each other, spending evenings together, etc. The wife couldn't really understand his attachment to his family. She couldn't understand why they were always "up in their business," as she put it. The wife loved her in-laws, but every time they came over she felt a sinking feeling and a desire to withdraw. She began to pray about this, for it was really causing issues between her and her husband. While praying, the Lord spoke to the wife regarding what seemed to be a "spirit of independence" she had invited in her life. In other words, the wife had allowed walls to build up around her heart in the area of dependence. Because she took so much pride in being independent, she was unable to allow anyone in.

The testimony immediately pierced my heart. I knew I was in the very same situation and sometimes still am. You see, I so pride myself on being independent, that I feel as though I can't be weak and shouldn't be weak in any area. I mean, I'm independent! Why do I need people? I can do this, right? Wrong. My independence, in fact, pushes people away when I really need them. Instead of being real in areas where I'm struggling, I tend to act like I can handle it because "I don't need people." In fact, I stick to this mantra so long, that I find myself drowning in a sea of despair. Now I'm not saying that I don't confide in people, I do. I have close friends that I trust, and I share things with them. However, those friends aren't here with me in Romania. They're thousands of miles away, and really inaccessible most of the time. So, I have to open up to new people. I have to be weak with new people I don't know and risk seeming like I don't have it all together. What's the harm in that? Well, it goes against my nature. That's what's so hard.

So I began to pray about it, because I couldn't really understand how I was supposed to deal with this. Where do I start? Well, the Lord started for me...with the truth. As I prayed, I heard God, through the Holy Spirit, speak to me. He said, "Amy, you're not independent because you can go and do things on your own, or because you're not afraid to be different. You're only independent when you're DEPENDENT upon me." That spoke volumes to my heart. I can only leave everything else behind, when I'm dependent upon my heavenly Father. I can only risk being different in a culture where I don't know the language or the customs, when I know that I am covered by the sacrifice of Christ on the cross. That is the defining characteristic for me. So, God gives me independence through dependence upon these things. Such simple wording, but such profound truth.

So I'm trying to give it up. I'm trying to let go of my man-made, prideful independence and am seeking dependence upon the one that knows me better than anyone on this earth. It hasn't been easy so far, but I know that it is well-worth it.

Revelation Of A Different Kind...

It was a few days after camp. I was in my room and had just finished sending my newsletter to IM, my missions organization. As I was sitting at the computer playing a little solitaire, my mind began to wander. An influx of negative thoughts began to flood my mind. These thoughts were about the other team members I work with and their possible expectations of me. I also began to remember all the times I had made a fool of myself in the past week; like times I had said the wrong word in Romanian and times others had laughed at me. It wasn't long before I began to feel the sinking feeling of defeat in my heart. A wave of "culture shock" hit and a desire to crawl into bed and never come out arose. It was then that I remembered my dream from the night before....

The previous night, I dreamed about a very large snake. The snake was about the size of an anaconda and it was everywhere. I was somewhere inside of a building and the snake was hiding in the walls, coming through the vents, and doing anything it could to get to me. It also was coming after members of my family...my brother Jeremy for one. I can remember seeing him wrapped up in the snake. It was trying to squeeze him to death. The snake was very hard to kill...and most of all, it was lurking...waiting for the right time to strike.

As I remembered the dream, God began to reveal the truth of what was going on in my head. You see, God often speaks to me through my dreams. It is not uncommon that I wake up from a vivid dream and begin to write it down. It has been through dreams that He has spoken incredible truths about my family and my future here in Romania. In this dream, the snake represented Satan...and he was everywhere, lurking. He was waiting for a weakness...waiting to strike. Sounds like 1 Peter 5:8 doesn't it? "Be sober and alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour." As God was revealing the meaning of the dream, He was also revealing that the negative thoughts and embarrassing memories were nothing but harassment from the devil. I then began to ask the Lord why. Why is it that the moment I stepped into this country, I felt the attack of the enemy on my thoughts more than ever before? Was it because I had stepped into God's will for my life by coming to Romania? Did it intensify because I was on the "mission field?" "No," the Lord answered. "This is the way it has always been. You just never realized it because your surrounding were so familiar."

You see, nothing is familiar anymore. Everything that I have spent 31 years getting used to is now gone. Going to the store is different, driving a car is different, paying rent and utilities is different, I don't speak the language, and friends and family are not as accessible. However, there is one thing that is still the same...ME. This onslaught on my thoughts and dreams is not something new. It has always been there. However, now that everything familiar has been stripped away, I'm finally realizing the battle for what it truly is...what it has always been. Living in the U.S., I didn't notice it. I didn't recognize it. My surroundings were too familiar to me. It seemed like every day life. I mean, why wouldn't I think about the annoying things my co-worker did to upset me? Why wouldn't I dwell on that embarrassing moment which makes me never want to speak Romanian again? I mean, that's normal, right? Why wouldn't I...wait a second...why would I?

Am I not a child of God? Am I not the daughter of the Most High? Don't I have the Light of the World within me? Why would I think these thoughts if I have the Spirit of the Living God inside of me? Unless.... Unless these thoughts aren't coming from me after all. Unless these thoughts are coming from the one that is eternally set against me and against the One that has a purpose and plan for my life. Are you getting it? Do you see? These types of things are not normal. It may be that you are "used to it." It may be that it has always been this way. But "the battle is not against flesh and blood." In James chapter 1 it says, "when lust is conceived, it gives birth to sin." The battle is in the mind.

I hope you can see it, because it is so clear to me now. I can recognize the attack of the enemy on my thought life so much easier now that everything familiar has been stripped away...and I'm thankful for it. The dream served an incredible purpose and has transformed the way that I look at my emotions and thoughts. I even called my brother Jeremy to let him know what I saw and to deliver what I felt was a warning of sorts for him and his family. I warned him against the enemy trying to "choke his life out." God is moving in powerful ways in his life, which makes him a prime target. The truth is though, we are all targets. There is not one of us that will escape attack. The devil does not give up...he does not relent. He is eternally set against man and especially against those that have a relationship with Christ.

I pray you can you see it. I pray God opens your eyes to it. We are in a battle. At times there are obvious "skirmishes" taking place, but the majority of this war is not fought in the open. It is on the battlefield in our minds.